A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the Wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
Saturday, 16 June 2007
Thursday, 14 June 2007
DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
Wednesday, 13 June 2007
A Blonde Joke
To prepare for his big date the young man went on top of the roof of his apartment building in order to get a little color for himself.
Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the buff. Unfortunately he fell asleep while on the roof and sunburned his Johnson.
Being very determined the young man decided not to miss his date, because she was a hot blonde. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, however the young man's sunburn started acting up. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused. A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain, so he went to the kitchen, and poured a glass of milk.
He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to find him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk.
With a look of sudden understanding the Blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you load those things!
Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the buff. Unfortunately he fell asleep while on the roof and sunburned his Johnson.
Being very determined the young man decided not to miss his date, because she was a hot blonde. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, however the young man's sunburn started acting up. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused. A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain, so he went to the kitchen, and poured a glass of milk.
He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to find him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk.
With a look of sudden understanding the Blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you load those things!
Feminine or Masculine?
I don't speak Spanish, but this one I get. . . A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender
("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender
("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
Friday, 11 May 2007
Kung Mayaman Ka
2.) Sa mayaman, "nervous breakdown" dahil sa "tension and stress" Sa mahirap, "sira ang ulo"
3.) Sa mayamang "malikot ang kamay", ang tawag ay "kleptomaniac" Sa mahirap, ang tawag ay "magnanakaw" o "kawatan"
4.) Pag mayaman ka, you're "eccentric" Kung mahirap ka, "may toyo ka sa ulo" o "may topak" o "may sayad"
5.) Kung mayaman ka at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay may "migraine" Kung mahirap ka naman at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay "nalipasan ng gutom"
6.) Kung mayaman ka, you are referred to as someone who is "scoliotic" Pero kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay "kuba"
7.) Kung ang señorita mo ay maitim, ang tawag ay "morena" o "kayumanggi" Pero kung isa kang domestic na maitim, ikaw ay "ita" o "negrita" o "baluga" o "tsimay"
8.) Kung nasa high society ka at ikaw ay maliit, ang tawag sa iyo ay "petite" Kung mahirap ka lang, ikaw ay "pandak" o "bansot" o "unano" o "jabbar"
9.) Kung socialite ka, ikaw ay "pleasingly plump" Kapag mahirap ka at ika'y mataba, "tabatsoy" o "lumba-lumba"... pagminamalas ka, "baboy"
10.) Kung well-off ka at date ka rito, date ka roon, ang tawag sa iyo ay "game" Kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay "pakawala" o "pam-pam"
11.) Kung mayamang alembong ka, ang tawag sa iyo ay "liberated" Pero kung isa kang dukha, ang tawag sa iyo "malandi" o "haliparot" o "halipandas" o "dalahira"
14.) Kung may pera ka, ang tawag sa iyo "single parent" Pero kung wala kang trabaho, ang tawag sa iyo "disgrasyada"
15.) Ang tawag sa mayayamang puro gulay ang kinakain, "vegetarian" Habang kakaawa ang mahirap na kumakain ng damo."
16.) Sa exclusive school, "assertive" ang mga batang sumasagot sa mga guro Pero pag ang mga mahihirap na bata ang sumasagot sa mga guro, ang tawag sa kanila ay "walang hiya" o "walang modo" o "bastos"
17.) Ang mayamang tumatanda, "are graduating gracefully into senior citizenhood" Ang mga mahihirap ay "gumugurang"
18.) Ang anak ng mayaman ay "slow learner" Ang anak ng mahirap ay "bobo" o "gung-gong"
19.) Kung mayaman ka at marami kang kumain, you flatter your host who says, "masarap kang kumain and I like you, you do justice to my cooking" Kung ghastly peasant ka eating the same amount in the same house, your host will say to himself na ikaw ay "patay-gutom" o "hampaslupa" o "masiba"
20.) Kung boss ka at binabasa mo ito sa PC mo, "okay lang" Pero kung ikaw ay hamak na empleyado lamang, ikaw ay" nagbubulakbol"...
Salawikain
Ang taong nagigipit...sa bombay kumakapit.
Birds of the same feather,make a good feather duster.
Pag may umuusok...may nag-iihaw.
Ang taong naglalakad ng matulin...may utang
No guts,no glory...no ID,no entry
Kapag may sinuksok at walang madukot,may nandukot
Ang buhay ay parang bato,it's hard
Walang matigas na tinapay sa gutom na tao
Kapag may tiyaga,may nilaga.Kapag may taga, may tahi
Huli man daw at magaling, undertime pa rin
To err is human,to errs is humans.
Ang naglalakad ng matulin,late na sa appointment
Matalino man ang matsing,matsing pa rin
Better late than later
Aanhin ang palasyo kong ang nakatira ay kuwago, mabuti pa ang bahaykubo,sa paligid puno ng linga
Ang sakit ng kalingkingan,kailangan ng alaxan.
Birds of the same feather,make a good feather duster.
Pag may umuusok...may nag-iihaw.
Ang taong naglalakad ng matulin...may utang
No guts,no glory...no ID,no entry
Kapag may sinuksok at walang madukot,may nandukot
Ang buhay ay parang bato,it's hard
Walang matigas na tinapay sa gutom na tao
Kapag may tiyaga,may nilaga.Kapag may taga, may tahi
Huli man daw at magaling, undertime pa rin
To err is human,to errs is humans.
Ang naglalakad ng matulin,late na sa appointment
Matalino man ang matsing,matsing pa rin
Better late than later
Aanhin ang palasyo kong ang nakatira ay kuwago, mabuti pa ang bahaykubo,sa paligid puno ng linga
Ang sakit ng kalingkingan,kailangan ng alaxan.
Mr. Bean strikes again!
ON BRAIN TUMOR:
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!
ON MARRIAGE:
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.
CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
ON THE DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead. Friend: condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
SPELLING LESSON:
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!
Thursday, 10 May 2007
By all means, MARRY!
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
-David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
-Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
-Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
-Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
-Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
-Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
-James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
-Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
-Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
-Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
-Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
-Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
-David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
-Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
-Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
-Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
-Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
-Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
-James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
-Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
-Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
-Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
-Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
-Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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