in Deep Shit?

Thank you for your friendship

Kung Mayaman Ka

1.) Kung mayaman ka, meron kang "allergy" Kung mahirap ka, ang tawag dyan ay "galis" o "bakokang"

2.) Sa mayaman, "nervous breakdown" dahil sa "tension and stress" Sa mahirap, "sira ang ulo"

3.) Sa mayamang "malikot ang kamay", ang tawag ay "kleptomaniac" Sa mahirap, ang tawag ay "magnanakaw" o "kawatan"

4.) Pag mayaman ka, you're "eccentric" Kung mahirap ka, "may toyo ka sa ulo" o "may topak" o "may sayad"

5.) Kung mayaman ka at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay may "migraine" Kung mahirap ka naman at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay "nalipasan ng gutom"

6.) Kung mayaman ka, you are referred to as someone who is "scoliotic" Pero kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay "kuba"

7.) Kung ang señorita mo ay maitim, ang tawag ay "morena" o "kayumanggi" Pero kung isa kang domestic na maitim, ikaw ay "ita" o "negrita" o "baluga" o "tsimay"

8.) Kung nasa high society ka at ikaw ay maliit, ang tawag sa iyo ay "petite" Kung mahirap ka lang, ikaw ay "pandak" o "bansot" o "unano" o "jabbar"

9.) Kung socialite ka, ikaw ay "pleasingly plump" Kapag mahirap ka at ika'y mataba, "tabatsoy" o "lumba-lumba"... pagminamalas ka, "baboy"

10.) Kung well-off ka at date ka rito, date ka roon, ang tawag sa iyo ay "game" Kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay "pakawala" o "pam-pam"

11.) Kung mayamang alembong ka, ang tawag sa iyo ay "liberated" Pero kung isa kang dukha, ang tawag sa iyo "malandi" o "haliparot" o "halipandas" o "dalahira"

14.) Kung may pera ka, ang tawag sa iyo "single parent" Pero kung wala kang trabaho, ang tawag sa iyo "disgrasyada"

15.) Ang tawag sa mayayamang puro gulay ang kinakain, "vegetarian" Habang kakaawa ang mahirap na kumakain ng damo."

16.) Sa exclusive school, "assertive" ang mga batang sumasagot sa mga guro Pero pag ang mga mahihirap na bata ang sumasagot sa mga guro, ang tawag sa kanila ay "walang hiya" o "walang modo" o "bastos"

17.) Ang mayamang tumatanda, "are graduating gracefully into senior citizenhood" Ang mga mahihirap ay "gumugurang"

18.) Ang anak ng mayaman ay "slow learner" Ang anak ng mahirap ay "bobo" o "gung-gong"

19.) Kung mayaman ka at marami kang kumain, you flatter your host who says, "masarap kang kumain and I like you, you do justice to my cooking" Kung ghastly peasant ka eating the same amount in the same house, your host will say to himself na ikaw ay "patay-gutom" o "hampaslupa" o "masiba"

20.) Kung boss ka at binabasa mo ito sa PC mo, "okay lang" Pero kung ikaw ay hamak na empleyado lamang, ikaw ay" nagbubulakbol"...

Salawikain

Ang taong nagigipit...sa bombay kumakapit.

Birds of the same feather,make a good feather duster.

Pag may umuusok...may nag-iihaw.

Ang taong naglalakad ng matulin...may utang

No guts,no glory...no ID,no entry

Kapag may sinuksok at walang madukot,may nandukot

Ang buhay ay parang bato,it's hard

Walang matigas na tinapay sa gutom na tao

Kapag may tiyaga,may nilaga.Kapag may taga, may tahi

Huli man daw at magaling, undertime pa rin

To err is human,to errs is humans.

Ang naglalakad ng matulin,late na sa appointment

Matalino man ang matsing,matsing pa rin

Better late than later

Aanhin ang palasyo kong ang nakatira ay kuwago, mabuti pa ang bahaykubo,sa paligid puno ng linga

Ang sakit ng kalingkingan,kailangan ng alaxan.

Mr. Bean strikes again!

ON BRAIN TUMOR:

Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.

Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)

Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?

Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?

Doctor: Then why are you so happy?

Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!


MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:

Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?

Mr. Bean: 9

Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?

Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!


WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:

Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.

Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?

Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!


AT AN ATM MACHINE:

Friend: What are you looking at?

Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.

Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?

Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!


ON MARRIAGE:

Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?

Mr. Bean: 16

Friend: Why?

Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.


CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:

Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?

Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.

Friend: What tape did you took anyway?

Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.


ON THE DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:

Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead. Friend: condolence, my friend.

(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder

Friend: what now?

Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!


MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:

Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.

Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.


SPELLING LESSON:

Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?

Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

By all means, MARRY!

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
-David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
-Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
-Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
-Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
-Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
-Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
-James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
-Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
-Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
-Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
-Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
-Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."